An Open Letter to my Innocence Taker
Hey, do you remember me? Because I certainly remember you.
I woke up this morning thinking of you. I sat for a moment wondering about how you are, how your birthday was and how your day is going, but then I thought to myself, do I even care? Should I even care? Why am I thinking about the person who gained my trust and then used it to hurt me? Why do you deserve any thoughts of kindness from me?
You messaged me one day on my social media in the summer three years ago before university started, I regret ever opening your message. You told me you liked the look of me and would love to get to know me, you told me you lived locally to me and asked me to meet you. I thought you were nice so I agreed, I regret agreeing to see you, I made such a bad choice.
I wasn’t popular at school, I didn’t get much male attention unless I was being bullied by them, I had a relationship but that was very brief, so I was still so new to men. You messaged me at the right time though, you messaged me just before I went away to university, a time where I was bored and wanted some mild entertainment – you know all about entertainment though don’t you? You spun a tale of god knows how many lies for my entertainment, but in reality; it was for your own.
I couldn’t believe it when you first messaged me, how on earth was someone as hot as you messaging me? Surely it couldn’t be real, I thought you were having me on? But you weren’t, you wanted to see me, you wanted to know me, you wanted me. I have never spoken about you and what you did to me, it’s all been pushed to the back of my mind but right now, I want you to know, I want people to know so they can stay away from you and others just like you. You told me you were 22 years old, you told me you had your own business and owned your own home, you told me you were in the army and you told me your dad had passed away too; just like mine, so I empathised with you.
I met you; I was intrigued by you, the day I met you I was so nervous because I didn’t know what to expect, but I saw you standing there by your car waiting for me, you waved, walked over and kissed me straight away. You told me how beautiful I am and grabbed my bum before slapping it really hard right then and there, I felt flattered by this at the time but in hindsight it should have been the first warning sign. We got in your car, I wasn’t scared, we drove away from my home, I wasn’t scared, we parked up in a dark and secluded park and you asked me to climb in the back with you, I pretended I wasn’t scared but inside I was panicking.
“don’t worry baby girl, I’m not going to hurt you or do anything you don’t want me to do, I just want to put my hand here”
In the back of your car, I laid with my head on your lap and we spoke for ages, I looked at your smiling eyes and your happy face and my fears ran away. But I could feel both of your arms moving, did that make you feel good or was that supposed to make me feel good? You ruined a really peaceful moment in an instant. You started unbuttoning my jeans, I asked you to stop I didn’t want you doing that, you told me “don’t worry baby girl, I’m not going to hurt you or do anything you don’t want me to do, I just want to put my hand here”, I wasn’t okay with that, but I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t good enough for you so I let you sit your hand between my jeans and underwear. Your other arm started moving up and down, I turned around to see you had your penis out, I realised you were happily masturbating while I sat talking to you oblivious to what was going on.
I wasn’t okay with this, I pushed you away from me, I wanted to go home but you started pleading with me “please baby girl just calm down, my penis was just hot, I wanted to give it some air”, I really wasn’t okay with this. I asked you to take me home, but that made you super angry; instead of taking me home, you grabbed my hair and pushed my head down to your penis, I didn’t want to touch it, I had never touched a penis before, but you forced me to put it in my mouth and suck until you finished in my mouth, but that wasn’t enough for you, you had to make sure I swallowed what you called ‘our future children’ too. You asked me if I wanted you to go down on me, I said no, I begged you to take me home now you had gotten what you wanted, you slapped me hard across my face and told me I was now yours, I should have called the police on you, I should have done something, but I was stupid, I agreed to be yours and you took me home.
You made me feel like I was a possession, not an actual person
You started demanding my attention all the time, you begged for nudes from me so you could show them off to your friends, you would phone me to make sure I was at home and not out with anyone. You would stalk my phone and all my social media, you just had to know all my account details too, didn’t you?
Within a day of meeting you I swear you made me feel like a prisoner in my own home, you made me feel like I was a possession, not an actual person. Within the first week of knowing you, you started randomly turning up outside my house in your car too, just to make sure I was at home, what was I doing to make you that insecure? Oh yeah, nothing. It’s what you were up to wasn’t it, that made you so paranoid, right? You started asking me to sneak out of my house at ridiculous hours, but I couldn’t do so without being caught or raising suspicion with my family, you told me you were going to make me pay for that.
Handcuffed my wrists and my ankles to all the posts and blindfolded me
You asked to see me a second time, I had to agree. You told me to make sure I was shaved and showered, but I should have never left my house. You came to pick me up completely high off a drug your friends had given you, I don’t know how you didn’t cause a crash honestly, I was so scared just being in your car, but you were being nice and acting sweet so I hoped this time would be different.
You took us back to your house, here’s where your first lie unravelled – you still lived at home with your family, but to quote your words “you had a free yard, so you wanted me there”. We got out the car and went into your house, you pushed me into your bedroom and ordered me to stand at the base of your bed whilst you got comfy. I should have ran, I didn’t, I felt so grown up but so scared at the same time. You put on some sensual music and asked me to give you a strip show, I told you I wasn’t ready, I told you I didn’t want to, so you stood up and came over to me, I braced myself for you to hit me, but you didn’t. You started kissing me and ripping my clothes off of me, I wasn’t ready and tried to resist you taking my clothes off, but you kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear, did having that power over me make you feel good about yourself? I let you do it. You got me naked just like you wanted me to be, you then grabbed your phone and started recording me, I asked you to stop, but you lead me to your bed and handcuffed my wrists and my ankles to all the posts and blindfolded me.
I told you this was my first time, I told you I wasn’t on any form of contraception, but you told me you weren’t willing to wear a condom and so if I got pregnant then we could be together forever, just like you said you wanted us to be.
Losing my virginity was not the experience I always imagined it would be, I was terrified, not just of you but of also getting pregnant with your child. You filled me with great pleasure at first, but you started whipping me really hard as punishment for not doing what you had asked me to do the day before and I begged you to stop, but it was too much fun for you right? You enjoyed my pleading and my pain. You left me covered in really big black bruises from that whip, why did you think that was funny? When you stopped whipping me, you released my legs just so I could turn over. You told me that if you couldn’t finish inside my vagina, you would finish in anal instead. I started screaming no, I didn’t want to do that, but you started putting your fingers in me against my consent one at a time, here’s where you thought your games got fun, you told me if you could keep your fingers in my ass, you’d fuck me vaginally and pull out when you were about to cum instead. What choice did I have? You finished, but I didn’t, I couldn’t wait to get away from you and run to a chemist for the morning after pill.
You phoned me that night apologising, you cried and shouted at yourself about how stupid you are, but I was the stupid one because I stayed.
“baby girl, I lied to you, I’m not 22, I’m 29. I was not in the army and I have a tendency to have psychopathic outbreaks”
The next day you phoned me again, you told me you had to tell me something, “baby girl, I lied to you, I’m not 22, I’m 29. I was not in the army and I have a tendency to have psychopathic outbreaks”, what did you expect me to say?
I wanted to scream and shout at you for lying, but I just shook my head and whispered that I didn’t mind, that it was okay for lying to me. I was 18 and had lost my virginity to a psychotic 29-year-old who had lied to me about everything.
Thinking about why didn’t I see the signs straight away, that was largely to do with how I was treated when I was younger, I was treated horrifically in my childhood so I never knew any better. But I know better than to be with someone like you now. Did you know, I can be butt naked in front of my boyfriend in the middle of sex, but if I ask him to stop he does straight away, he asks if I’m okay and doesn’t push me or force me to do anything I don’t want to do, did you know there are men like that? He’s the man you should aspire to be like, but instead you’re the dangerous type who takes advantage of young girls who know no better.
I’m grateful that you came into my life at the time you did, because I only had to put up with you and your psychotic tendencies for five weeks before I moved to university. But I’m not grateful for what you did and for what you made me do. You had videos of me that I didn’t consent to, but if I asked you to stop recording you would hit me and punish me sexually. You took my innocence when I wasn’t ready, but I never reported you because I know the police would have taken your side. You tried to follow me to university though, but I refused to tell you my address. You threatened my home, I told you I would seek an injunction and press charges against you if you went anywhere near my home, my family or me again. That scared you didn’t it? Because I had the power for the first time, because you have a previous conviction and you would be sent to prison if I went to the police. You left me alone, but popped back up six months later, and then again a year later asking me to fuck you one last time; but knowing I had a man drove you crazy, you wanted me because you couldn’t have me and that made you mad.
You wanted me because you couldn’t have me and that made you mad
I have never spoken about what you did to me. I have never spoken about how you manipulated me and pushed me away from my friends. I have never spoken about how you beat me for calling my friend ‘lovely’. I have never gone to the police about you and I won’t because unfortunately the defence of consent would fall in your favour, you were a lesson I learnt from but I wish I hadn’t experienced. I was lucky, I got away from you quickly but I know many other people who couldn’t get away from a dangerous person for years or at all. But those five weeks still haunt me, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what years of you would have done to me.
I woke up thinking of you this morning, but then I remembered your lies, who you are and what you did. I hope you’ve mended your ways, but what I hope the most is that women can see the warning signs straight away and know to avoid you like the plague. I may have thought about you this morning, but you can be rest assured that I won’t fall asleep thinking of you tonight when I’m cuddled up to the man who protects me instead of making me fear him.
The Now Educated Woman