My Favourite Mistake - "Young, Naive and Blind"

“February the 5th 2017. The day the person I loved first drew blood from me”

Let’s rewind back to September 2013, my first day of college, I was sat in maths class watching this beautiful human walk in, but I remember not paying too much attention because me, a 16 year old girl fresh from high school, why would a boy like him want to talk to me? (he was 2 years older)

The next day me and him both approached my friend that was sat alone and from there we started talking, I was totally taken back – he noticed how I didn’t come back to maths after the break, we exchanged Instagram and numbers, and it all started from there; talking back and forth every day.

November 2013 I was running late to college and had seen him outside, he wanted to talk before I went to lesson but I didn’t want to be late, so rushed off and that was the first time I saw anger in him. By the time I got to class he had sent me a horrible message and blocked me on social media – but I was young, naive and I had never had a boyfriend before, so it didn’t really bother me.

A month later I saw him in "people you may know" on Facebook, and clicked "add friend". He accepted, and we started chatting again, talking on the phone, staying up all night to have conversations, Christmas passed and that’s when things started to get serious. 14th January 2014 was the day he made me his girlfriend, for me I didn’t know any different, I didn’t have expectations because I hadn't been in a relationship before. I just remember getting butterflies every time I saw him, but even though I had never been in a serious relationship, I still knew what type of guy he was. I knew he was the type to chat to loads of girls, but I didn’t experience it for a couple months.

“Is it bad for me to say that I don’t actually remember when he first started hitting me?”

I just remember when he would get pissed off and I would get a punch in the arm or the leg, or if we were play fighting and I hit him too hard I would get one double the pain. At this point this was only done behind closed doors, it wasn’t even the hitting that was the worse bit.

"Back then he emotionally abused me, and I didn’t even realise."

I ended up with no friends because he would chat to them all and I saw the girls as the problem, when really it was HIM. It was always him, he was the problem. I was constantly arguing with my family because he would always disrespect them, and my house, yet every time I would take his side. Young, naive and blind.

He didn’t take me seriously and would constantly be messaging girls and meeting up with them, but if I was to message a guy then woah... World War 3. If I didn’t want to have sex then I would have to deal with all the accusations that I had been cheating, it got to a point that he accused me so much I just agreed with him and everything he was saying... to prove that I hadn't he would message guys pretending to be me saying things like "remember when I saw your dick". Imagine how embarrassing that is, people I used to work with, male friends, but I guess that was all because of his guilty conscious.

"Regardless I still loved him so much, he was my first love."

There came a time that my mum started to notice bruises on my legs and each time I had to make up a stupid excuse like "I fell over". We hadn't even been together a year before my mum threw him out the house because of the way he was treating me – we were both in the bathroom and he had seen something on my phone, I got a hit in the face if I remember rightly. A couple of weeks later I snuck him in my house, but my mum and sister noticed. He spoke down to them both and what did I do? Run after him crying asking him not to leave...

“Gripped me by my throat telling me to never disrespect him like that again”

It’s a shame to think that even if I hit him back I had to prepare to run because I knew what was coming. It was sometime in 2015 and we had an argument, he got me back by making me jealous; talking to and touching some girl right in front of me, and as they both walked off together I made a comment and told her to enjoy him. I thought that was the end of that, but it never is.

I was walking to the bus stop when he charged at me and gripped me by my throat telling me to never disrespect him like that again, my friend tried to get involved to stop it, but he just threatened to punch her, took my phone and ran off with it knowing I would follow. That was the first time he touched me outside for other people to see.

He used to turn up at my house at stupid times in the morning telling me he knew I had cheated, or he would wake me up at 6 or 7am, telling me to come and meet him so we could talk. Guess what my stupid ass did?... I went and met him, we argued. As usual. I got a hit here and there and guess what, I ended up going home crying.

“I knew he was toxic, but I just didn’t know my way out”

This boy, I had my life planned with him. I wanted to marry and have his children, move away with him and grow together. It got to a point where I knew he was toxic but I just didn’t know my way out, we broke up but I still used to see him all the time even if we were talking to other people. He used to say, "even if we're not together, if you sleep with anyone else you're still cheating on me". I was his and he made that clear, anyone I wanted to get serious with he would message them, and get involved. But why did he think he could do that and think I wouldn’t do the same?

The whole of 2016 he didn’t hit me, there I was thinking he had changed – September 2016 we got back together, and I can happily say it was the best we had ever been (well I thought). He kept telling me that he felt like he has grown up because he doesn’t want to have sex all the time, and that was just all in his younger years, stupidly I believed it, but it didn’t take him long for his real self to come back out.

He had found out I had been clubbing and not told him (I didn’t tell him for this exact reason), stood there on the bridge outside, he punched and kicked me, calling me every horrible name you can think of, but I stayed crying, desperately trying to explain.

December 2016, I was trying to sort things out but he wasn’t having any of it, he came over to stay and he would sit in MY bed messaging girls, I guess from there something started to click.

Sometime in January I got accused of messaging a girl he was talking to, it pissed me off that he accused me, so I did in the end message her and told her exactly what he was like. From then I knew I didn’t want to be with him and that’s when he started to realise, and wanted to sort things out. We ended up meeting at a hotel to talk, he ended up going to sleep so I decided to go home.

“He had messaged another girl asking her to come to the hotel that I PAID for”

As I got half way home I noticed he was logged into Snapchat on my phone and he had messaged another girl asking her to come to the hotel that I PAID for. You can imagine I jumped off the bus and made my way straight back to the hotel, in my head all I was thinking was how can he disrespect me like that, how does he still manage to shock me?? Of course, I shouldn’t have gone back but mistake made and now I must deal with the consequences.

I got back to the hotel and he was still asleep, and I ended up falling to sleep and got woken up around half 6 in the morning with him asking to go on Snapchat on my phone, so I gave it to him. Will I ever learn my lesson?

“All I saw was blood, and then I felt it…”

He went through my whole phone, but I couldn’t see, and when I didn’t realise what he was doing I asked for my phone and he told me to go and sit down, I didn’t do what I was told and grabbed his neck to get my phone, and then that’s when it happened. He just swung for me, a punch with so much power – all I saw was blood and then I felt it. My two front teeth knocked back into my mouth. I can't even begin to tell you how I felt, how could he do this to me? What am I going to do? What am I going to tell my mum? What do I do?

I remember telling him to call an ambulance and he told me we could sort it… That he'd still be with me even like this? That’s not love.

Someone putting their hands on you in an aggressive manner is not love, even if they tell you they won't do it again, even if they grovel on the floor crying, apologising, saying they love you and will never hurt you.

I guess I learnt the hard way.

It didn’t end there, but from then we didn’t really talk, I knew I didn’t want to have a relationship with him.

I didn’t have him on any social media but I would get messages off his friends and off fake accounts. I kept blocking them, and then got a restraining order against him, although him being him didn’t listen and showed up at my house. We spoke and he kept telling me that we could make it work, but you know when you’ve just made up your mind, yeah that was me.

I told him we could be friends, but he didn’t want that.

September 2017, he came to see me, we spoke, and he asked to make a call on my phone. Stupid me I didn’t lock my phone. What do you think he did? The usual inspection on my phone and smashed it up, it was a complete write off. I told him to expect the police at his door of course. Stepped out of the car and he ran after me, I remember telling him I was scared of him, but that didn’t stop him - he pushed me to the floor and started kicking me, this time I was lucky because a group of boys ran over to help.

I can happily say I've not seen him since that night and I'm doing just fine, a little hurt and I'm still healing, but I’ll be okay.